Redemption

Every night and every morning since, the ache has been there.  The painful scar of defeat and the lingering feeling of disappointment.  It sets in more for me than with most.  Not winning doesn't often bring this level of discontent, but right now it's more apparent than ever.

Every day – morning breakfast .. what went wrong?  Afternoon lunch .. what could I have done better?  Each night .. going through the mental checklist of how I can make sure this doesn't happen again.  Each repetition on the bench, each pull-up on the bar is a reminder of every race – and that letting up and giving in is what everyone else wants, but not what will happen – especially when the pursuit of my goals remain at the fore front. 

It was just one round.  There will be others, but at this level, my mistakes are magnified.  The competition is too tight and doesn't let up.  No one else is taking a day off and neither can I. I look down and watch my legs hammer on the pedals, the constant motion of pushing forward, but in my mind, I'm sliding backward.  I pedal harder to try and reverse the memories of what was.  It eats at me.  My RPM's are on the limit and I can't pedal any faster, yet I can't outrun it.  Redemption is an easy word to say, but it's more than just one tangible act. For me it's the cumulative process of man and machine and the equation of accurate calculations resulting in success and accomplishment of one's goals.  Redemption is not often a simple task, but it is the only one I now pursue.  Without it, the pain remains and all the work and preparations are in vain.

I can't pedal anymore; I get off the bike – eyes watering, muscles aching .. delirious.  A small sense of closure is returned as my breathing struggles to return to normal.  The sweat mixed with my exhaustion lends itself to a peaceful assurance that everything will be alright.  I know what I'm doing.  I know where I'm at.  And yet, the battle between a positive outlook to the future and lingering on a disappointing past can't completely hide itself from me.

The painful lessons of mistake are meant as tools – and I will use these tools.  I will soon look to the pedals again for another piece of that closure and confidence towards my goal – for I will no longer be running from the past, but chasing the redemption of the future.